Thoughts of an agoraphobic shut in

There’s never enough blood.



YOU lead him on, YOU gave him the wrong idea, It was YOUR fault, YOU were asking for it, YOU didn’t try hard enough to get him off, YOUR clothes were to slutty, YOU took the drugs, YOU went to his, YOU shouldn’t of drank that much.

YOU make it sound like I pinned him down, I forced myself on him, I spiked his drink, I kept fucking him everytime he said NO. When does this become HIS fault?


Patient ID: S1345…

I still wear my wrist band, it has my patient number, my name, my NHS number and my DOB.



I’m not very well, i feel i’m getting worse. i keep remembering things such as, when he pinned me down, when i got the letter saying i was borderline, when she stopped talking to me, the first cut, ‘it’s just a cry for help’ they said. the burning in my throat as the vomit filled with pills and wine came up.


It scares me how low i am today, i just wanted to get home to the safety of my razor blade. i want to see how much pain i can take, if the pain will take my mind of every single fucking thing that is going wrong at the moment.

It scares me how low i am today, i just wanted to get home to the safety of my razor blade. i want to see how much pain i can take, if the pain will take my mind of every single fucking thing that is going wrong at the moment.


I will never be perfect porcelain.

I will never be perfect porcelain.



(Source: okletscuddle)


Cutting

nerditoutwithbooks:

There’s just something about cutting that makes you feel alive. Like a breath of fresh air. I’m not even trying to stop. 

Via Journal of a NOBODY

trentsiggard said: Hey man, I feel like you need to watch this. This is what happens if you kill yourself. (put together the link) Your Life IS Worth It()com I filmed my friends after our friend took his life so you can see what they have to say.

Thanks but no video is going stop me if i want to kill myself. in my life i have only 3 people who would be upset if i died. i dont go out anymore i havent seen any of my old friends for about 4 years and they have all moved on with their lives, had kids, married and working. also i wouldnt want any fake bullshit sad news story about me taking my life with fake people telling everyone how i was a wonderful person and it is so a tragic i killed myself. im not saying at all that your friend or any of the people at his vigil where fake. i’ve had friends commit suicide before and people who used to bully them turn around and say how he was wonderful and he would be missed and they were great friends, even though they were part of the reason they commited suicide. for the last couple of years i havent been able to lead a normal life, i spend all my life now inside my house on the net, watching tv and reading. what good
am i doing? for myself or anyone else?! i have nothing to look forward to no goals to aim for in life and it has been like this for years. im a down to earth person and i know my own mind.
I am feeling a little better since talking to someone i know so i will just spend my day self harming.

but thanks anyway, it might help some people.


I think i want to quit…..

I think i want to quit this life, im done with things swirling around in my head. thoughts of her repeating. not being able to talk to her because she wont answer back, not knowing the truth that is in her head. she writes about it, she makes videos but she wont answer me. it kills me being so far from her and then have her so close but not being able to speak to her or see her. she is my own personal torture, if im not self harming she is swimming in my mind hurting me from the inside. I’ve cut her name in to me so many times hoping to set her free or give me some peace about it but nothing still.

Sometimes i wish i could start agin and not remember anything but she was such a big part of my life for so long and even though she has been gone for nearly over 6 years she still means so much to me.

I used to love making her laugh and being silly together. i spent so many nights with her, we went threw so many bad things and amazing things. i spent so many hours just sitting next to her. we did everything together. i hope she knows that i love her and she means so much to me. I’d give anything to be able to see her again and speak to her.

(Source: agoraphobicshutin)



I miss her so much…..



Suicide is….

(Source: agoraphobicshutin)



decisive moment……



We refuse to eat, we self harm, you dont want to deal with it so just lock us away.

(Source: agoraphobicshutin)




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